ugh...

     Well, since therapy is to expensive...here I am.  And boy do I need therapy or at the very least a place to vent.  Maybe this will help or maybe this will be my only post and I'll never be back.  Who knows to be honest.  Let's be honest...this will be a rambling mess and probably never make sense.  

     Maybe this first thing I should mention is that mu husband was dx'd with stage 4 colon cancer like 6mths ago.  It is also in his liver and lymph nodes.  The chemo treatments haven't been so bad on him.  Surely not like we thought it would be.  He was nauseous the first few treatments, but seemed to handle the rest like a champ.  I guss what's the hardest is that he could be around for another few yrs or like cancer horror stories it could be a sudden thing in a few months.  

     I can't tell you how many times I try to plan for the unknown and get to packing only to get mad at myself for acting like he's on his death bed and will be gone in a week.  But this I have to try and think that I'm just trying to plan for a future that will undoubtedly happen...he is going to die before me and he is going to die of cancer.  But, why do I have to start acting like a widow now and pack my house...but I need to be proactive because who knows the future and I don't know where I will be emotionally at that time.  So am I being proactive to help myself through a traumatic even that WILL happen or am I being morbid for packing my house to move before he's even dead?  Welcome to the daily circle of arguing in my head!  

     We do have 2 awesome kids...well young adults I guess.  He's almost 20 and she's almost 18.  They have both been rocks through this mess.  He even pick up a few monthly bills to help relieve a little stress.  She plans on getting a job somewhere once she graduates and will help with bills a bit too.  But, that's when the mom in me kicks in and feels bad for having to need my kids help me pay my bills.  That's not why I had them.  They are more than willing and know that even paying in $500 a month for expenses is a ton cheaper than trying to be on their own, but it's just the point to me that I have to do it.  

     And then the brain fog kicks in.....